little sunsrise

This song by Keane, but i like lily Allen version more. 

Do you miss me? it's okay if you dont.

tadinya mau kirim text kayak gitu, but then realized that it will trigger the riot,so i deleted it.

"i miss you".
message sent.

then, a reply
"iyooo".

so, i just take a breath. and sip my bitter coffee and munch my bread.

"aku kangen"
message sent.

then, another reply.
"iya kalo bisa nanti sore aku pulang, aku mau ketemu orang kebun dulu ya, nanti aku kabarin lagi.

paused.

thats a sample of some our flat conversation, which is regular happen in few months now.

i know it's hard for some man to show their emotion, his feelings. i know you always make some effort for me, to us. to our relationship.

aku tau kamu sering bilang, "kamu lebih suka aku bermulut manis daripada nunjukin ke kamu"?. aku tau kamu bakal berargumen, "kamu ga menghargai semua usaha yang udah aku lakuin ke kamu"?

i know you are always trying, i know that you love me. i know that you want to take our relationshop to next step, and make effort on ot.

it just,

you are so cold, it seems like you are in here but you are not in here.
aku kangen
aku rindu kamu bilang kangen, aku rindu kamu bilang i love you.
it just,

this is not us, this is not how we communicate, i dont even know who the stranger i share my feeling with.

i fall for you because your warm hug, big smile, good laugh we share together. i want to share my life with that man.

it just, i am afraid that someday, i wake up and feel:

let's end this story and make a spin off each others life.

The confirmation bias is well-studied; researchers have known about it for decades. As human beings, we have a limited amount of attention for all the stuff going on around us. Therefore, whether we realize it or not (usually not), we are always choosing what we pay attention to. The confirmation bias is the human mind’s tendency to notice and pay more attention to objects and experiences that match its preexisting thoughts and beliefs. It does this for the simple reason that it is biologically economical and efficient. (mark manson)                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Happy birthday to me, gak kerasa udah menginjak umur ke 25, 25 tahun. Seperempat abad, quarter life. Dan pelan pelan kerasa ada bayangan hitam ngikutin dari belakang, ada beban yang kata orang sih namanya "quarter life crisis".

Pertanyaan yang selalu ada sekarang:
Who am i? What I want in my life? Am i good enough? Why I always gain some weight? Later I will become super fat. I dont like my skin condition. I am not smart enough. My skin look so dull. my boyfriend love me? Does he think I am pretty? Is it something I want in my life? Do i enjoying my life? What will I become in next 3 year? Am i good enough? Am i good enough in my career? Am i good enough in my life? Do i dissapoint people in my life? Are you happy tep? Did you finaly find your happines? How to apply make up naturally? How to draw the eyebrow? What is latest fashion trend? What is your passion? How to arrange my budget and pay all the bill? What kind of sport that i can do? Gym, yoga, or running? I need my quality sleep. I need to study. I need to travelling, I need to saving my money, I want to buy some asset, What kind of insurance that I need? Where is the mannual book of how to become an adult?

lately i read 1q84 by haruki murakami, as usual i really like murakami stories, he have some unique way to make us entering his fiction world.

btw, i am not reviewing that book. i just remember one of his quote in that book about bullying,

Tengo : i dont understand, that kids should be protected not bullied.
Girls: it's not that easy, one can be rejected by their friend just because he's not same like other. it's same in adult world, every case seem not serious, but if it's happen regularly it will be a pressure.

Girls : Did you ever experience bullying when you were child?

Teringat kata dila;
Kalo emang suka kejar mati matian, cintai habis habisan, sampai ngerasa semua udah dilakukan, sampai ga ada alasan lagi buat di pertahankan karena semua udah maksimal, biar ga nyesel dan penasaran.